Letter to the Apartment Thieves

by Jordan Hurder

Dear Person/People who Robbed my Apartment,

I hope you enjoyed the time you spent at my apartment yesterday. The following things came up as I inspected the place after you left:

1. How much did you get for my bike? It was worth about $5000, but I'd imagine you hocked it for a couple hundred, at best. Congrats on that one- quite a score.

2. Why did you take my change? Seriously, there weren't any quarters in there, since I use them to do laundry. How much change could there have really been? $10? You must have been busy after you left, what with trying to hock my bike, getting rid of my electronics, and THEN having to hit up a Coinstar machine!

3. I couldn't help but notice that you took my alarm clock, but left 3 big binders of CD's that were next to it. This was an $8 alarm clock I got at Walgreens. After my car got broken into a while back, I assumed that CD's were hot property on the thievery circuit. Well, in any case, I hope you know what time it is from now on and that you have no trouble waking up at pre-specified times.

4. I want to extend a special thanks to you for stealing my cell phone charger. I suppose that a $15 thingy gets big bucks on the electronics gray market, but it was a huge pain in the ass trying to squeeze in as many calls as I could before my phone died.

5. Okay, I'm back on the alarm clock again... You looked through the carrying case of my high-tech bike light, but took the alarm clock and left the light? I'm kinda confused, but maybe it was just a nicer alarm clock than I thought.

6. That backpack that you took from my living room (thanks for leaving my DVD player, TV, and guitar, by the way. I guess you just went in there to see if there was a bag that was suitably strong to carry that awesomely amazing alarm clock you found)... I was selling it on eBay, and I had to cancel the auction... And the high bidder was kind of pissed. So just know that you not only hurt me, you hurt "swiftskier16" as well.

7. You are unbelievably messy. I hope you don't leave hotel rooms like that when you go on vacation. I assume you've never had the pleasure, but coming home to a room that has been "ransacked" sucks as much as you'd imagine it would suck.

8. Would you mind telling me what happened that caused you to flee so quickly? I mean, you already had my computer monitor in a duffel bag that you left on the ground outside my building... and you left my computer tower outside my kitchen window... and my subwoofer on the kitchen floor in front of the window. Maybe you took more than you could carry... I've been there before- one time at this vegan restaurant, I ordered so much food that I convinced myself I would stuff it all into my face, just because I went to the trouble of ordering it (just as you went to the trouble of breaking into my window)... although the difference between you and I is that I DID finish it, because I'm not a QUITTER.

9. Please explain this logic... you took every electronic appliance in my bedroom, including the AC adapter for my cable modem and my ethernet cable... but you left my cable modem on my desk, along with my old cable modem that you found when you dumped my desk drawers out on my bed. ???

10. Here's a treat you may or may not have discovered yet: in the top pocket of the backpack you stole, there are some sticks of "Terrapin" brand lip balm- positively the best lip balm ever made... and now totally off the market. The warehouse where I work has literally the only remaining stock of Terrapin lip balm in the world, and you now have a few sticks of it. You know, for if your lips get chapped from all that burglarizing. It's no alarm clock, I know, but what're ya gonna do?

Okay, that about sums up my thoughts on the matter. Have a wonderful weekend, and I'll see you in hell.

Love,
Jordan