[please address all hate mail to Fritz -Eds.]
20 October 2008
Dear Senator McCain,
My name is Fritz Miller and I'm the Executive Vice-President of a fairly large waste disposal company. I make over $250,000 a year ($2.5 million to be exact) and will receive a tax increase under Senator Barack Hussein Obama's proposed tax plan. NOTE: unlike your Vice-President choice, I am capable in my duties and deserved the title, just in case you were worried about whom you might be reading.
Senator McCain, I've paid particular attention to your recent speeches, and your last debate, where you mention "Joe the Plumber". It seems he has some questionable background issues (including unpaid taxes, being an unlicensed plumber, and actually making only $40,000 instead of the more than $250,000 he claimed to Obama), so maybe, if you're looking for another "regular guy" to make an example out of, you can use me. "Fritz the Garbage Man" you can call me. Tell the world how my meager earnings will be taxed to the hilt by Osama (oops, Obama [smirk]); how my accustomed "middle class" lifestyle of fast cars, fancy dinners, extravagant vacations and multiple mansions will be severely curtailed; how my "regular guy" capitalist principles will be crushed by Obama's socialist ideologies; even how my “guy next door” house will likely be blown up by Obama and his terrorist minions.
"Fritz the Garbage Man" will capture the attention of your audiences. I am an "everyman" with only two Ferraris and a yacht. I am the quintessential "Joe Sixpack", though I prefer to drink 25-year old scotch or $200 bottles of Bordeaux to that domestic light beer swill. “Fritz the Garbage Man”. It rolls off the tongue.
By the way, like you, Senator McCain, I, too, don't know how many houses I own. Seven, I think; plus or minus two.
It is true, Senator McCain, that Barack Hussein Obama is smarter than you; better looking, younger, and leaner. His smile seems genuine and warm. His teeth are white and eyes aren’t jaundiced with age and cynicism. His arms are strong, his legs powerful, his mind inquisitive and taut. It is also true, Senator McCain, that you are on the last lap of the track meet that is your life, and you hit the wall 8 years and many laps ago. However, I still believe in you. We (that is, we 42%) believe in you, despite your erratic behavior of late; despite your absurdly inappropriate choice for running mate; despite your age and health and temperament (which some say in unbecoming of a President, but which I say is not only becoming but will make all those dictators respect us, because we can show them that they aren’t the only ones who have an unhinged, Type A asshole manning the ship). So, smile away, in your smug and corpse-like way. Make uncomfortable jokes about your advanced age. Spout hateful and ugly lies ad infinitum. Continue it all. We love it.
And don’t fret those falling poll numbers, Senator McCain, for you’re like the Red Sox since 2004 and you’re better from behind. You’ve got Barack Hussein Obama right where you want him, just like the Red Sox had the Tampa Bay Rays right where they wanted them when they were down three games to one. Never mind that the Red Sox lost. Ignore that, much like you are ignoring the real issues in this campaign. The Red Sox very likely did win, but the liberal mainstream media didn’t report it. Believe, Senator McCain, believe!
Lastly, Senator McCain, “Fritz the Garbage Man”, should you lose this election (and by “should”, I mean “when”; and by “lose” I mean “get annihilated in”), is ready and able to sweep up the pieces of your dignity and self-respect—or that is to say, have one of his employees sweep them up—and store them in a landfill facility with your bungled, ineffectual, idiotic campaign.
Sincerely,
Fritz Miller
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